A Cosmic Spring Clean for Your Relationships
How 10 Minutes Can Clean Out the Old and Bring in the New
Spring has sprung. I find myself instinctually going through closets and cupboards to clean out the items that no longer reflect who I am or who I want to be. In addition to organizing a stoop sale, I’ve been pondering a spring clean for my relationships.
I notice that when my drawers are purged and organized, I am intentional about what I add to them. Same with food. A few days of a juice cleanse and ice cream does not have the same appeal. When I’ve spent time cleaning up communication with people I love, we are all eager to stay in a higher place.
I already introduced you to a spring clean practice that does some internal housekeeping. Today, I introduce you to another spring cleaning practice that will declutter your relationships.
The practice is called Fears & Desires. I’ve learned it from a few different teachers. Layla Martin’s take on it is one of my favorites. You can do this with your romantic partner, your mother, you friend, a blind date. Try it and report back.
I like to use a timer to keep it succinct and to set expectations. I recommend starting with 5 minutes for each person.
Here’s how it goes:
Sit facing one another and set your timer for 5 minutes.
One person asks the other, “What are you afraid of?”
The other partner answers in a stream of consciousness, without overthinking. Perhaps it’s a phrase or two about whatever worry or fear might be lingering in their psyche.
The witness says, “Thank you.” That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. And then the witness asks again, “What are you afraid of?”
Do a few rounds of this. I recommend 5-10.
And then the witness asks, “What do you really want?”
Get loose and creative here. It could be anything from a cup of tea to a year to travel to world peace. Desires are the maps to our futures.
After the partner answers, the witness replies, “Thank you.” And then asks again. “What do you really want?”
You’ll see as you go along that things come up that you weren’t even aware were there. It can be an exciting excavation. It can be a little scary. This format provides a space to say things that haven’t been said before.
And then, depending on your relationship, the witness can ask, “Why do you love me?” Or, if this is a just-getting-to-know-you kind of situation, you can modify that and ask, “What lights you up?”
And then switch. The witness becomes the speaker and go another round.
That’s it. It’s a fabulous and surprisingly quick way of sweeping out the cobwebs and shaking the detritus lurking just below the surface. The desires are a safe way to tell your partner what your heart yearns for without commentary or feedback. And who doesn’t want to hear someone tell you why they love you?
This is one of the four exercises we share in LOVE LAB 101 and it’s an example of the partner practices we do in Relationship Tripping.
Give it a try this week and let me know how it goes.
We are hosting LOVE LAB 101 on Wednesday evening 7-9 PM EST on Zoom. It’s free. It’s fabulous. It’s affirming. And, after just 90 minutes you will feel more in love. It’ll be the last time we offer it for awhile.
Relationship Tripping is a 6-week journey for couples who want to get together with other relationship nerds and geek out on intimacy and what it takes to elevate a relationship to its highest potential. Whether you are just starting out (Mazel Tov!) or you’ve been together for decades (Also, Mazel Tov!), you will find practices like this one that give you the space to explore new facets of yourself and your partner and you will learn communication skills that will will get you through any storm and that will take you higher than you’ve been before.
We are starting our next voyage on Wednesday, May 18th. If this calls to you, DM me.
