Into the Yoniverse
A new series of books for kids seek to smash shame monsters and open the door for matter-of-fact conversations about pleasure and sex.
I gave a TED talk in 2017 called “What We Don’t Teach Kids About Sex.” In the six minutes I had on the red dot of the TED stage, I wanted to impart resources that I didn’t experience growing up: a vocabulary about feelings and sensations, a curiosity about the embodied human experience, and a reframing of sex education which includes sense education.
After my talk, all sorts of fabulous people reached out to me to explore what a comprehensive, sex-positive, and pleasure-forward sex education might look like.
Ariel White is one of those people who is deeply engaged in this question. Ariel just launched a new book series for young children called My Little Yoni, featuring a shame-smashing extraterrestrial superhero who comes to Earth to say some very frank things to young children (and their parents) about sex and pleasure.
Ariel and I talked about the origins of sex ed in America, our country’s long-standing fear that children discovering pleasure will dismantle our capitalistic industrial economy (it might!), and how a vulva from outer space is giving permission for families to talk about sex.
TPR: I find it so perfect that my Little Yoni is an extraterrestrial being because that helps us see more clearly the cultural constructs around sex. How did you come up with this concept?
AW: Years ago, I thought of the name My Little Yoni and I was like, that's really funny. I love that name. I wonder what it belongs to. A couple of weeks later, I had a dream. The best way to describe it was that I was in the Yoniverse, another dimension where there was this stream of different colors. Some Yonis had arms and legs. They were all flying around me. I was like, all right. This feels very free and joyous.
TPR: I'm curious about choosing the word Yoni over vulva or vagina. How did you settle on Yoni?
AW: In the books, we are using all the medically accurate terms, so we absolutely talk about the vulva and vagina, and clitoris. Yoni is the name for the character who is here from the Yoniverse to teach us about our bodies without any shame.
Yoni was my first word for the vulva. For me, it’s always been the happiest natural word. This Sanskrit term translated to English means “Sacred Gateway.” No word seems more appropriate for the gate life comes through.
TPR: We don't have a word in the English language that encompasses the entirety of the female sexual center.
AW: The closest we have in the English language is womb, and womb doesn't actually encompass everything. Yoni encompasses everything, and imagine if everyone— man, woman, and child—all related to the vulva as a sacred gateway.
TPR: That alone would change so much. It’s interesting that the word that we do have is vagina—
AW: Which is Latin for sheath, which holds a sword.
TPR: So you turned this idea of My Little Yoni into a symbol and then you had dolls made.
AW: Yes. My Little Yoni may be intimidating at first to the people who don’t yet know her, but in reality, she's quite joyous and approachable. We want to make this subject matter comfortable for people who wouldn't obviously gravitate towards it.
Moms were like, I want my kids to grow up with this symbol. It’s a way to talk about vulvas and to help remove the taboo and shame and stigma.
TPR: —And pleasure
AW: Right. Pleasure is so often misunderstood. It’s seen as taboo or tied to sensationalism, or it's the junk food you scarf down and then feel bad about later. That's an important distinction about pleasure — is this experience filling you up? Is it making you more available and more generous to yourself? Or, are you feeling depleted?
TPR: And now you are creating a cast of Pleasure Avengers to set us straight.
AW: Yes, in the Yoniverse, pleasure means presence, embodiment, the relaxed ability to experience sensations that are nourishing, life-affirming, and grounded. To me, pleasure connects us to one another and creates more energy and more love.
Shame is not really a thing in the Yoniverse, but holy moly, it's so rampant here on Earth. My son named it “Shame Monsters” We are all bound to have some shame monsters. The question is, are we feeding them? Are they growing because shame can start out small but it can grow into a full-fledged shame monster and then spread to others? My Little Yoni says, “I'm here to help you feel proud and stand up to shame.”
TPR: That reminds me of Eckhart Tolle, who talks about pain as an entity that wants to take hold of us. It feeds on drama and in that way, it gets transmitted to others. It seems helpful to externalize shame.
How does the experience of creating these books track with your parenting experience?
AW: My stepson has known since he was four that the Yoni is female genitals, and that's where babies come out of. It's not a big thing for him. It's a lot scarier for us as parents to share than it is for kids. Kids are learning about this just as they'd learn about anything else. It's just the body and so, of course, pleasure is just part of life. If we're talking about every other aspect of life, why wouldn't we talk about that? If we can start the conversation young and have it often, it's matter-of-fact for kids.
A friend who has two boys brought the Yoni dolls home — I think she had like three or four around the house— When the kids asked her what they were for, she used it as an opportunity to talk about the vulva and said you always want to be gentle with her. A week later, their friends come over. And the first thing they want to do is show their friends the Yonis. Like, check this out, and they're like, this is Yoni and you want to be gentle with her. And these are boys having that conversation.
TPR: Now, there is a series of 10 books based on this character and also based on comprehensive sex education guidelines written with the input of sex educators. One of them is about masturbation for girls. Can you read us a bit?
AW: Right. The “M Word” is a book for girls about female self-pleasure.
“Today we're talking about self-pleasure. Self-pleasure, more commonly known as masturbation, is when you touch your genitals. for pleasure. Masturbation is normal, and most girls do it.
Unfortunately, on Earth, I've noticed many women feel shame or disgust when they experience self-pleasure. The old and outdated idea that masturbation is wrong still circulates today. So if you ever feel shame about giving yourself pleasure, you're not alone.
The general idea, however, is not true. There's nothing shameful or wrong about pleasure. Those are false stories, old beliefs, and scare tactics that make girls think and feel shame. Masturbation in a private safe space is perfectly normal and healthy.
It's normal to want to make yourself and your Yoni feel good. So if you ever notice shame cropping up, remind yourself of this truth, self-pleasure is safe and 100% Normal.”
TPR: Given the disparity in sex education around the country, this seems like a very useful tool for parents to have.
AW: It blows my mind not just how lacking sex ed is, but how intentionally damaging it can be. Most people don't know that the history of sex ed in the US started with old Victorian ideals in response to industrialization. The stance, at that time, was that masturbation would distract citizens and would be the downfall of our good American work ethic culture. Sex ed was basically to steer people away from pleasure, specifically to steer people away from masturbation.
TPR: In some ways, I think they had a point. When we lose touch with our own bodies it’s easier to be convinced that pleasure lies outside of ourselves in external rewards. Capitalism feeds on this.
AW: Well, these teachings definitely didn't stop people from masturbating. But it did create desensitization, so, in that way, it was a very effective agenda. Sex ed hasn't actually had massive reform since these early days. In a lot of states, we're basically pedaling some version of the same idea.
TPR: What are the different paths that got you here?
AW: When I was growing up, my mom shared too much. By that, I mean, she shared a lot of the bad things that can happen. At a very young age, I was really aware of the shadow side of sexuality. I had no way of understanding it, but I knew that rape existed, I knew that abuse existed. And so it was actually quite scary. I think a lot of it was based on her own experiences. I think in her mind, knowledge was power. Like, if you know about it, you'll be able to avoid that kind of thing.
TPR: I think about that a lot, raising girls. I feel like for every positive message I conveyed or that they received, they'd have heard 10 traumatic stories. It's on the radio, it's on tv, it’s everywhere. I worry that before they ever know that sexuality is something beautiful, they have heard 1000 tragic stories.
AW: I think about what is going to change things from the root. For me, it's raising our kids differently. What if we are actually raising our sons to also understand vulvas, anatomy, and periods? And what if, when girls are learning about periods, the boys are also learning about periods at the same time.
TPR: How do you think that experience led to the work you are doing now?
AW: I grew up thinking about the problems of sex a lot more than my peers. And then, I discovered self-pleasure so I had a really strong multi-year relationship with myself before engaging with anyone. This meant that when I did engage, I was able to navigate it to be on my own terms, In college, I studied human development, and after college, I dove into body-mind psychology and healing modalities. All this time, I noticed that no one's really addressing sexuality.
TPR: What has changed since you started in on this work?
AW: I'm happy to see that the concept of self-love is bridging more into pleasure. Even a handful of years ago, self-love and self-care, was like, “go get a manicure”. Now there are podcasts and memes about women giving themselves pleasure and more products by female-led sex toy companies.
TPR: What do you hope sex ed will look like in the future?
AW: It would be pretty cool if we could try to balance out the culture for our boys and encourage them to sense emotions and name them, whatever those feelings might be. And for girls, we need to help them be more rooted and connected to their pleasure.
From the Institute of Pleasure Studies
Everything in the #Yoniverse is OBGYN approved and shaped by an advisory board of educational psychologists, sex educators, and parents. Check out the books, the Yoniverse dolls, and this beautiful video of the all-women atelier where they are made at MyLittleYoni.com
I’m super proud of my TED talk, What we don’t teach kids about sex.
Did you know that only 13 states require that sex ed be medically accurate and that in the 1970s, sex ed was more progressive than it is today? This short video on the history of Sex Ed in America is a reminder of how much work we have ahead of us.
It’s not just kids who need a great sexual education. There is so much out there for grown-ups, too. Some of the resources I love: OMG Yes!, Layla Martin.
And for teens: inclusive, supportive, comprehensive sex ed for all is at Scarleteen
For parents, some ideas for ways to model equality and inclusivity.
Lastly, there is a celebration of vulva diversity at @the.Vulva.Gallery on Instagram.