Hello Pleasure Researchers,
After lying fallow for the entire month of January, the past few weeks have been full on!
First: Relationship Tripping
Ten years ago, Joe and I hit a low point in our relationship. I had heard that there would be some hard years in a marriage but I had no idea just how painful it could be. I had watched my parent’s marriage unravel and, thirty-some years later, the wound is still there. That wasn’t an option for me. I knew that if we split up, I would recreate the exact same patterns with someone else. I wasn’t how it would end, but I recognized this was a chance for me to grow. We threw ourselves into our relationship like it was the most important project we would ever work on. We did a ton of therapy, I found Mama Gena and Layla Martin and began to understand that pleasure was all around me and that it was a decision to choose it. I undid a lot of cultural baggage about what it meant to be a wife and a mother. We learned about kink and tantra. We did couples retreats where we learned how to communicate in high-intensity situations and we created a community of support with other couples.
I am grateful for the rupture. I would not have had the courage to stretch and grow the way I did without it. We are extremely fortunate to have had access to all the support that we did and to be alive at a time when it’s possible to speak freely about our intimate relationships. I envision a world where couples get together on a Friday night to geek out on intimacy practices and to share honestly about their relationships.
In that spirit, last year, Joe and I led six couples through a relationship program called Relationship Tripping. We met every week on Zoom for two months to explore attention, intention, energy, touch, love languages, and sex. We mapped our desires and charted our course for the coming year.
In the final session, each couple shared a manifesto they had written and were witnessed by the group. I had no idea how much love can be shared on Zoom or what glorious things can happen when we come together to support one another.
We are offering this program again in March.
Joe and I are hosting LOVE LAB 101, an intro event this Saturday, February 12 from 3-5 PM EST to share some of the practices that we do on the daily, weekly, and monthly. You don’t need to be in a partnership to join us for this intro event. Afterward, we will share more about the upcoming Relationship Tripping program. Come join us for LoveLab 101. You can email me at jaye@suejaye.com to find out more.
I have studied communication skills with the best of them and Kenya K. Stevens is rocking my world. She’s been developing a paradigm she and her husband Carl Stevens call UPLVL communication and they teach a tool called Venting that we have adopted in our family and I have been teaching it to all my friends.
It’s more than a tool, it’s a mindset and one that shifts the balance in relationships. “No victims, No Villains” is one of their mantras as is “No Shame, No Blame” meaning that no matter how angry you are at the situation, no one has done anything wrong. Everything (and she’s fiercely adamant about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-I-n-g, every bump in the road, every rejection, struggle ) is for our growth. “The benefit of growth is love,” she and Carl wrote in their book “UPLVL Communication.”
I am excited to share what I have learned so far. I believe what she is teaching could shift how we think about not just our intimate relationships but how we talk to one another across all differences. I see this as a game-changer for our concepts of justice and reform, education, and relationships of all kinds.
Join me tonight from 7-8 PM EST for a conversation about her work and her book and the tool she calls “UPLVL Venting.” The zoom link is here.
Thank you all for being a part of this amazing community. We are 1200 strong and growing. Welcome to all our new readers. More pleasure to come!!