Ubuntu, In lak’ ech, Hala ken, Namaste. I am you and you are me, I am because we are, I bow to the light within you. A philosophy of oneness exists in many cultures.
We are in relationship with everyone and everything from our great grandparents to the ground we step on. Relationships are the surfaces that allow us to experience ourselves and they provide the friction we need to grow. They are portals to something bigger than us.
After college, as I was driving around the country chasing unrequited love, I came across a cassette tape of a Ram Dass lecture called The Yoga of Relationships. “The relationships that are the most exciting,” Dass said, “are where the contract is to share truth. Many relationships don’t have that kind of a contract. They have a contract of you won’t threaten my ego and I won’t threaten yours, we’ll both feel comfortable.” I realized I had been settling for safety. Dass talked about a shared awareness between a couple and how a relationship is a triangle with the third side of the triangle being shared awareness. I listened to that tape until Dass’s voice became elongated and distorted. I called my non-committal (but oh-so-adorable) boyfriend and said a final goodbye and decided I would take some time before looking for a partner who would go the distance with me.
I had just spent four years at an elite institution where I learned about the Cultural Revolution in China and French Surrealists but nothing about how to ask for what I wanted, or how to release the grip of my ego to navigate difficult conversations. And definitely nothing about cosmic connection.
Luckily, that’s what the internet is for. There is no shortage of master teachers available to us, some of whom I have included in the resources below. And, of course, there are no better teachers than the people in your life who love you and, even more so, the ones who push your every button. Sometimes they are one and the same.
Joe and I are launching our last round of Relationship Tripping for awhile. After that, we will be taking time to distill what we have been sharing into a book and new offerings, which will include in-person sessions and workshops for solo and self-partnered humans.
This is work that heals all of us. In the last session, one couple came in questioning their partnership. After two rounds with us, they recommitted and decided to bring a child into this world. I can’t help but think about how much stronger families and communities could be if connection practices were taught alongside math and science.
If you are in a partnership of consequence and want to feel a deeper connection through shared language, practices and community, come join us. We have space for 3 more couples. We begin this Tuesday and go for six weeks. Details are here. Email me if you have questions.
FROM THE INSTITUTE OF PLEASURE STUDIES
I leave you with a few books, conversations and teachers who have some important medicine to share.
Kenya K Stevens and UPLVL venting.
Sure, we need to check our egos during heightened conflict, but how exactly do you do that? Kenya and her husband Carl Stevens have designed a script that you can share with partner(s), children, parents, friends and colleagues. It helps you question the stories that are separating you from the other person and, unlike most other communication tools, this one welcomes your full emotional expression. I have been studying Kenya’s work for awhile and will be taking her masterclass this year.For the women: Erotic Sovereignty with Lauren Harkness. Starts this Sunday.
Before relating with another, we are first in relationship with ourselves. Lauren has been leading women through this potent 8-week class about generating and mastering your own erotic energy which can become the catalyst for creating a life that is beyond your wildest dreams. I’ve done this class twice and I’m tempted to do it again. The community is amazing.The couple that Ram Dass talked about is Steven and Ondrea Levine. They have written many books about grief and death, forgiveness and pain including A Year to Live, which takes readers on a theoretical preparation of death. Their book Embracing the Beloved, Relationship as a Path of Awakening, combines stories, philosophies and meditations and has been a guide star for me. Their website is a treasure of wonders.
What is inspiring you? I would love to know. Send me links, books, podcasts. I’d love to share your recommendations.
See you next week.