Saved by the Bell

The pleasures of a well-timed ending.

A few years back, I got deeply into boxing. I was in the murky sludge of time that accompanies parenting small children. It was taking a toll on my marriage and my psyche. I felt at once like a sloth ready for a nap and a racehorse anxious to get out of the gate. I miraculously met a boxing trainer who convinced me to join her at the gym. It became my oasis and my church. I would slip out of bed, the sky still dark, and bike down to Church Street where I descended into a sub-sub basement that smelled of musty gym clothes. My coach would wrap my hands and lace my gloves while I quietly received her rundown of our morning session. “Ten rounds on the bags, five rounds jump rope, and three on the speed bag.”

In the boxing gym, a bell keeps time for everyone. The buzzer accompanied by the green light signals the beginning of a round. Sounds of leather on leather, rope on floor, and the ratatat of the speed bag fill the space. The yellow light and buzzer mean 30 seconds out, which also means go all out until the red light and the final buzzer.

Everyone rests for one minute. And then you do it again.

Boxing is about harnessing energy. Three minutes of explosive hooks and jabs, ducking and rolling. Then one minute of rest.

It trained my mind as well as my body and I have continued to use the timer as a tool to maintain my focus and energy.

Most of these Pleasure Reports are written in twenty-minute sprints. When the timer goes off, I stop. Sometimes I take a dance break.

I co-work with friends using the timer, dividing our session into small tasks. 8 minutes for accounting, 12 minutes for email, 3 minutes to stretch. It breaks a to-do list into discreet and pleasurable nibbles.

The timer is also a surprisingly excellent tool for conversations. I used to avoid conversations that were hard to end. Now I suggest a time limit and taking turns.

I wrote about the “Spring Cleaning Practice” two years ago. That is an excellent timed communication tool where one person picks a topic and talks about that for 5, 10, 15 minutes while the other person keeps asking, “What do you have on (your topic). It’s great for emotional housekeeping because it gives you time to name whatever is most alive and then also gives you time to look under the rug and see what might be lurking in the shadows.

I also like the timer for intimacy practices. The timer is honestly one of my favorite sex toys. Want to try something new but you’re not sure? Give it five minutes on the clock and then check in. Is your partner’s attention fading? Start the timer and commit to being fully present for 5, 10, or 20 minutes.

A timed kiss can also be really fun because you keep going past when you would normally stop and all sorts of creativity comes out.

In a world where it is increasingly difficult to command our attention and focus, smaller increments and a non-negotiable rest are your best friends.

How are you using timed intervals in your life?
What are you learning from this practice?

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FROM THE INSTITUTE OF PLEASURE STUDIES

My grandparents, circa 1973. My first teachers about love and relationships. They were married for almost 70 years. My grandmother liked to tease my grandfather and would sit in his lap and run her hands through his hair. “There were hard times.” she told me. “But you work through it.”

LOVE LAB 101: RELATIONSHIP PLAY & RESEARCH
Come learn some timed intimacy practices with us in LOVE LAB 101 on April 11th. Online. You can come solo or with your partner. You will learn four practices that will make you feel like you went to a relationship gym. You’ll leave feeling full of love. I promise. Joe and I have done about 10 of these now and each time it is a joy to witness the life and play and pleasure that we can all whip up in 90 minutes on Zoom.
50% off for Pleasure Report Subscribers. Use Code EXPLORER

ADVENTURE DATING NYC: ECSTATIC VOICING FOR LOVERS
It was so good the first time, we are bringing Jonathan Stancato back for another Adventure Date. He will guide you and your partner through vocal experiences that will make you fall deeper in love with humans, with yourself and with your partner. No singing experience is necessary. This is about creating sound and expanding your ideas of what is possible. Jonathan is a pleasure activist, a magician and an emissary for love. Come join us! June 6. 7-10 PM Midtown, NYC.

RELATIONSHIP TRIPPING: A 6-week journey through love, connection, eros, conflict tools for people in partnerships of consequence. We go to school for all sorts of things. But rarely do we get to be in a class that is dedicated to nurturing our relationships. This will be our sixth time bringing a group of couples together to witness one another’s love and challenges. Think of us as your Cosmic Cheerleaders, Fanners of your Flames and Relationship Coaches. In our last round, one of the participants said, “I feel more hopeful and excited about the next chapter of our lives than I could have possibly imagined.” You can register here or set up a call to learn more.

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READING RECOMMENDATIONS
Vanessa Chakour was my first boxing coach. She imparted deep wisdom along with technical skills and a lot of encouragement. She has gone on to write a beautiful book about her life and her relationship to plants called Awakening Artemis and she has a new book out called Earthly Bodies about animal nature. She writes a beautiful newsletter here.