Ten Principles of Pleasure
What we have learned so far
The Pleasure Report has been in full swing for a few months now. Thank you to all who have subscribed. Your support makes it possible to write, research, fact-check, and edit these newsletters.
This week feels like a good time to pull back and look at what we are talking about when we talk about pleasure.
Mirriam Webster offers us these definitions: 1. Pleasure is a desire or inclination, 2. a state of gratification 3. sensual or a frivolous amusement. 4. A source of delight or joy. The word is derived from the Anglo-French plaisir, to please. We will be devoting future newsletters to deep-dives of these disparate and fascinating definitions.
In the meantime, I add the following:
Pleasure is feeling the way you want to feel. To me, this means being in complete approval—complete, radical, enthusiastic acceptance— of the present moment, even when the present moment is one of the most painful, difficult parts of life.
Here are ten pleasure principles that have emerged from our research and interviews.
Pleasure is personal. Our lists of what brings us pleasure are as varied and as unique as our fingerprints. I am currently obsessing about these women who are swimming through an icy winter in Chicago in their pursuit of pleasure.
Pleasure is a practice. Like an athlete in training, we can expand our pleasure by consistency and commitment. Try setting a timer throughout the day to ask yourself what you could do to increase your pleasure. Or, make a pleasure list to go along with your “gotta do’s” and check things off with fat, yellow crayon. I did that this week, and here are some of my successes: I drank more water. I closed my computer and went for a walk. I brought my attention to the smell of the snow, the trees, and dried pine needles. I sent money to a friend who is not working. I took dance breaks. I made photographs of birch trees and New Yorkers playing in the park. I called friends to tell them I loved them. I lingered while washing my hands feeling the softness of my skin and the silky lather of the soap. I breathed deep into my belly.
Pleasure is a choice. Given how rewarding investing in our pleasure is, it's strange how hard it can be to make pleasure-driven choices. For me, making a pleasure-driven choice often feels like a face-off between my default mode (inertia/stasis/complaining) and some creative act. Unlike plants, which reach for the sun instinctually, we humans have to choose to reach for our light.
Pleasure takes courage. To choose pleasure sometimes means inviting and withstanding other people's judgments. Pleasure is often not visibly productive and therefore can lead to (misplaced) shame about not being "productive" while doing things that feel good. We are more accustomed to telling each other what is wrong rather than what is right. Sharing our pleasure with people who are complaining can feel risky. There can also be fear that if we shine too bright while others are suffering, we will make others feel bad about themselves. In fact, the opposite is true. See numbers 5 and 6.
Pleasure nourishes us and the people around us. When we fill up on pleasure, we are less dependent on others to bring us pleasure. This sovereignty makes for healthier relationships, not only in families but in all of our communities. When we encounter a person full of their own pleasure, they light up the room and know how to unlock joy for everyone. Also, it takes the pressure off of others. No one needs to feel obligated or responsible for your well-being when you are clearly rocking it in the personal pleasure department.
Pleasure is an antidote to stress. Pleasurable activities like sex—partnered, solo, imaginary— and eating delicious food can inhibit anxiety responses in our brains. The trick is to nourish ourselves with pleasures that sustain us rather than the ones that give us a quick state change but leaving us wanting more. The double fudge ice-cream and the whisky won’t be as effective as a walk through the forest or a phone call with a friend.
Resistance is futile. It’s February. We can’t change that. There’s a pandemic. Not a lot we can do about that either. When we acknowledge what is and find a way to be completely accepting of the present moment, we create the best conditions for pleasure to come into our lives. (On the other hand, it can feel immensely satisfying to make intentional choices and enact agency (see #3))
Gratitude is the gateway. Acknowledging what is already pleasurable helps us tune in to the good that is all around us. The more we see it, the more we have it. Science backs this up. Gratitude releases dopamine which triggers positive emotions. It’s the first place I start when pleasure feels impossibly far away. Shakespeare must have intuited this when he wrote, “the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.”
Pleasure begets pleasure. A body that knows what feels good will seek out more of the same. Through my experimentations with pleasure practices and interviews with others, I have learned that when I double down on pleasure, I notice new opportunities in my everyday life, and serendipity finds me daily.
Become your own pleasure researcher. Don’t take our word for it. Pleasure is felt in the body. Words on a page can inspire us but ultimately, you need to find your own evidence.
From the Institute of Pleasure Studies
Want to dive deeper into your own pleasure research? Here are two fabulous books that have shaped our thinking and feeling.
Pleasure Activism by adrienne marie brown challenges us to consider the complicated politics of feeling good. Drawing on the black feminist tradition and coving a wide range of topics from race and gender to climate change to sex and drugs, this collection of essays and conversations gives us a road map to a more equitable, just, and pleasurable life for all humans.
Pussy: A Reclamation by Regena Tomashauer. Tomashauer, who goes by the name Mama Gena (think sexy, hilarious, take-no-prisoners, feminist, Jewish mother — the one who all your friends want to hang out with), has been working with women for twenty years to flip the script on our patriarchal culture. She’s teaching women to stand for their pleasure and to stand for one another. It’s personal. It’s political. And there is a lot at stake. This is a great read for men, too.
Want to create more pleasure in your life? Here are a few questions to help get you started:
What’s the most pleasurable part of your day?
What makes it feel so good?
What is the least pleasurable part of your day?
What three pleasurable things can you add to that part of your day?
Write down 3 things that bring you great pleasure?
What are 3 things you can do this week to bring you closer to that list?
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