The Long Game

Making the Last Act as Pleasurable as the First

Jun 30, 2024

“I think love is something you just feel. It's not something you have to have a recipient of. But Vera was a good recipient because she was lovable and adorable.” — Steve Bodansky

We all love a good falling-in-love story. But what about the ending? Is it possible to deepen one’s love til death do we part, even when things get messy, which might include changing adult diapers, annoying chronic coughing, and not being recognized by your wife of 40- years?

I’ve wondered what might be a best-case scenario for a happily-ever-after ending. Steve Bodansky has written several books about pleasure and sexuality and over the past few years we struck up a Facebook friendship. He frequently posted photos of him and his wife Vera as her dementia progressed, I was struck by how he called himself her care lover, rather than caregiver. He shared poems he wrote for Vera and photos of the two of them radiantly smiling, her body increasingly frail as the months passed.

I visited him in his home in Walnut Creek, California a month after Vera’s death. We sat in the living room looking out on the Redwood trees in the same spot where Vera’s bed had been for the last six months of her life.

Q: It seems to me that you figured out how to make a chapter of a relationship a really beautiful one. How did you do that? And what have you learned from it?

Steve Bodansky: I’m lucky because Vera was an easy person to take care of. She was never angry. Taking care of her was probably my best, happiest, and most joyful time. I felt more loving towards her and more loving in general.

It was a progression, though. In the beginning, I was angry. She had this chronic cough and she would clear her throat constantly, and I would get pissed off and say, “Stop it!”

I was probably angrier about the dementia but I kind of channeled it more into the cough. And then I started asking myself, “Why am I getting pissed off? You know, this is stupid. I'm not doing myself or her any benefit. “

I realized how often I’d be looking back at things and saying, “You know, things were pretty good then. They're more difficult now.” So I got to saying, “Hey, maybe it's time to be more present and not be upset in the present. Because if you look back on it, those are really good times.”

Q: What was it like for Vera to experience dementia?
Dementia affects people differently. Some people are angry about it and they're violent. Vera was easy. She didn't remember things and she knew she didn't remember things. She never complained about it, she was never angry, you know, about it. Actually, we didn't talk much about it.

People visited and she was smiling at them. Her vocabulary was decreasing over the years so, in the end, she was saying, ‘Okay, thank you.'

She probably wouldn't know my name at the end, but she felt my love. And she felt loved.

Q: What was the hardest part?

I didn't like seeing Vera in so much pain. Her quality of life was terrible. I thought of taking her to Oregon and having her end her—you know…euthanasia, But I checked it out and you needed to have her sign it and she wasn't going to be able to understand what was going on, so I forgot that idea.

I knew she wasn’t going to live forever like that so I'm going to make it as much fun for her as possible and as much fun for me.

I created this thing where I'd stand her and hold her and hug her. And we'd do this little dance and kiss. I would get her out every day. We’d have these fun little walks in the parking lot. And, she responded to that. She enjoyed my love and my attention.

Q: It's a big job to take care of someone. All of the needs —and bathing—can become overwhelming, but you found a way to play with it.

I bathed her before she was bedridden. I was able to get her into the shower, which wasn't easy, but we had these bars and she'd hold on and I'd wash her and wash her hair.

I’d make a game out of it. She had pooping accidents and stuff and, at first, you get pissed off. We'd get out of the shower and she'd poop again so you get back in the shower again. And it wasn't easy but I felt like I was good at it.

I think if you're good at something, or you become good at something, it makes it more fun.

Q: It also sounds like you brought some sensuality into it.

Oh yeah. I'd floss her teeth after every meal because I think that's important. She wasn't the greatest flosser, but I am.

I'd floss her, and in the beginning it kind of hurt a little bit but after awhile she liked me flossing her. It’s very intimate. I even felt some turn-on when I'd floss her. It was loving and pleasurable experience doing that.

So. Wow. Yeah. I was her care lover.

I'm getting into agreement with Vera’s death now.

Vera's here. I mean, we've been talking a lot about her. She's here as much as she's ever been, really.

Q: What do you mean by getting into agreement with something?

It's like accepting the way things are going and not fighting them and not resisting them.

I think all the spiritual people say the same thing in different words. Some say acceptance, some say surrender. It's pretty much the same thing. The more enthusiastic you can be about your acceptance the more fun and pleasurable your life will be.

I'm generally a pretty happy person. I don't get depressed. So it was maybe easier for me to handle something like this. There are people who have different brain chemicals who might get depressed and it may be more difficult for them.

Q: Acceptance is great but it also sounds like you had to solve problems and deal with some frustration.

There are always choices to make. If something upsets you, you have to speak up. It's not the anger that's bad but it's like how quickly you can go from “grrrr “to great, like Tony the Tiger, “grrrr” to great.

Anger is going to harm you more than anyone else.

I was getting into agreement with where Vera was at. Friends would come over and help me some but I did most of it. But then it got harder and I needed help so I called home hospice.

The hospice nurse saw how much pain she was in and said she would be more comfortable in bed. So we got a hospital bed for her and put her in this nice pretty room here and there was no pain at all.

Q: You started writing songs for Vera around this time?

Home Hospice had this music therapist. I have written love poems to Vera since we first met and I shared some of them and they put them to music. The poems come alive with the music. Vera would love them. If I want to change her mood, I play one of her songs and sing it to her

One of my songs has a chorus that goes:
I'm with you my friend
to whatever end.
Your heart will be choosing.
no need to pretend
when one is so amusing.

And that’s true. Whatever way she wanted to go, that was fine with me.

Q: What were those last moments like?

I kissed her and in the beginning, she was still warm and then she got— her body got—colder.

In a couple of hours, they came to take her away.

I had two friends here with me. It was peaceful. Beautiful, really. I made them lunch. It was just another part of life. I was learning to enjoy—you know— the present time, so I'm going to enjoy this part too, you know.

Of course, all kinds of emotions come up, but you just kind of un-notice them and let them pass.

It’s been a month to the day. Sometimes I wear her clothes. I play the songs and sing along and talk to her. I was always talking to her and she probably couldn't understand some of the things I was saying so it hasn't changed a whole lot. Her body isn't here but her spirit is still here with me and my mind has a lot of her.

I know her better than she knew herself at the end, really. So she's part of me.

Or part of us.

Q: Tell me a bit more about Vera.

Vera was in a concentration camp for a year and she was in a truck on its way to one of those gas chambers. The Americans opened the back of the truck before it got anywhere and she was rescued. But she was quite weak and sick so her grandmother knew some wealthy people in Austria and she got her on this nice farm where Vera was taken care of for a while. She was 16 when she came to America.

She spoke Russian. She spoke Serbian. And her English is good, too. And she learned some Italian. So she's quite bright.

We wrote several books together and I wrote a Extended Massive Love: A true Love Story and More about our relationship. I’m working on a biography of her now.

Was it love at first sight?

I think we fell in like first. I thought she was sexy and beautiful but she thought she was too old for me because she's 13 years older than me. And I said, “I'm aging as fast as I can.” But then this other woman wanted to be with me and she got jealous so she upped her game and accepted my proposal and we got married.

I couldn't help but love her. She's just a very lovable person.

What have you learned about love that you can share with us?

The more you express love, the more it's available to you.

My love quota has increased from this experience. —Steve Bodansky

I try to think about doing everything like it's the last time. This might be the last kiss, so enjoy the heck out of it, you know. Don't worry about the future or the past when you're doing it. If it's a good kiss, you won't have to worry about anything.

The thing about that kiss is not to make somebody else feel anything. It's how it makes you feel.

Vera was able to kiss til, well, I was kissing her the day she died.

FROM THE INSTITUTE OF PLEASURE STUDIES

Steve Bodansky is a prolific writer. He and Vera co-authored several books including Extended Massive Orgasm and Extended Massive Life. More recently, Steve has written Love and Alzheimers and Self-Pleasure about the pursuit of pleasure in all areas of life. He has begun working on a biography of Vera. You can find his books here.

Relationship Tripping is a 6-week online immersion and community of conscious partners who want to deepen their connection, learn new tools and share a common language around intimacy and connection. Think summer camp for couples (from the privacy of your own home.) I lead these sessions with my husband Joe and we share from our own experience as partners of 25 years and also from the 15 years of research we have done as journalists and in our pursuit of refining our partnership. We are leading our last session for the year beginning this Wednesday, July 3. You can find more information at http://www.relationshiptripping.com and email me at jaye@suejaye.com if you would like to join us.

The Pleasure Report

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