I had a flip connection with my 18 year-old-self providing guidance to present-day 55yr-old. I’m in a transition, feeling vulnerable, sometimes stuck, trying to find “next” (specifically in relation to part-time work) and on bad days questioning my worth, missing self-confidence.
About a month ago I pulled out old journals (responding to side-request from best friend to confirm or deny who was at a New Year’s Eve party during winter break home from Freshman year of college). I couldn’t stop reading that journal - I was at my first college, miserable, and as early as Thanksgiving (3 months into the school year) I was developing my exit strategy. So many questions, and turning to familiar high school friends for support and advice. I wrote in the journal where I might apply to transfer - one “I could never get in but worth a try”. Flash forward a finished Freshman year struggled through but head down in my classes, a year off, living back home with my Mom to get my bearings and apply to 3 schools for transfer, and WOO HOO an acceptance letter from the school I’d “never get in” where I eventually came to cross paths with you, even!
My now self was so reassured by my 18-yr-old self who was in a rough place emotionally, didn’t know what was next, but planted seeds and surprise, not surprise, the NEXT unfolded. Her getting through gives me hope and space to breathe and be with the unknown transition time and feelings. Thankful to her. I think I’ll cradle my uncertain, fragile-feeling now me with hugs from past 18 yr old and future 58 yr old (or 68 or 78 and auspicious 88 - heck let’s have a party!). This is here now and won’t always be, but is a necessary loop of the spiral.
This is the best reason I've ever come across to re-read an old journal. How fun to mark that moment and witness yourself with all that longing and that knowingness that something wasn't quite right. Way to go 18 year old you. And 55 year-old you. I relate to that transition and vulnerable moment that you are in. Resonates a lot. So nice to know we are in it together and that we also have our past and future selves rooting for us. xoxo
your 18 year old self knew your 70 year old self well! I am going to remember that little poem! thank you for sharing.
I had a flip connection with my 18 year-old-self providing guidance to present-day 55yr-old. I’m in a transition, feeling vulnerable, sometimes stuck, trying to find “next” (specifically in relation to part-time work) and on bad days questioning my worth, missing self-confidence.
About a month ago I pulled out old journals (responding to side-request from best friend to confirm or deny who was at a New Year’s Eve party during winter break home from Freshman year of college). I couldn’t stop reading that journal - I was at my first college, miserable, and as early as Thanksgiving (3 months into the school year) I was developing my exit strategy. So many questions, and turning to familiar high school friends for support and advice. I wrote in the journal where I might apply to transfer - one “I could never get in but worth a try”. Flash forward a finished Freshman year struggled through but head down in my classes, a year off, living back home with my Mom to get my bearings and apply to 3 schools for transfer, and WOO HOO an acceptance letter from the school I’d “never get in” where I eventually came to cross paths with you, even!
My now self was so reassured by my 18-yr-old self who was in a rough place emotionally, didn’t know what was next, but planted seeds and surprise, not surprise, the NEXT unfolded. Her getting through gives me hope and space to breathe and be with the unknown transition time and feelings. Thankful to her. I think I’ll cradle my uncertain, fragile-feeling now me with hugs from past 18 yr old and future 58 yr old (or 68 or 78 and auspicious 88 - heck let’s have a party!). This is here now and won’t always be, but is a necessary loop of the spiral.
Thanks for inspiration, Jaye.
This is the best reason I've ever come across to re-read an old journal. How fun to mark that moment and witness yourself with all that longing and that knowingness that something wasn't quite right. Way to go 18 year old you. And 55 year-old you. I relate to that transition and vulnerable moment that you are in. Resonates a lot. So nice to know we are in it together and that we also have our past and future selves rooting for us. xoxo
Love the warmth and good intentions that resonate in this piece, Sue. And good link to interesting CSF work...hadn’t heard of that before!
Thank you, Mark. The CSF studies are really fascinating. I hope you enjoy diving into them as much as I have.
Life is a spiral staircase
Everything and everyone circling round
And round.
I haven't decided yet
if I 'm headed to an attic
Or basement,
Up or down?
My eighteen yr old self wrote this and your essay brought it back to this 70 yr old mind.
Loved it .....Kathleen Geagan Ryan